You see them everywhere...and they're always wearing some sort of older 1980's polo shirt and some sort of fanny pack contraption.
Their cheeks:
beating red, continuously warding off the pleasantness of the air conditioning.
Their shoes:
completely warn down on the heel causing what I like to call a "fatlimp". No need to strain themselves tying shoes, NASA invented velcro as an alternative device for them.
Their hair:
Usually some sort of asexual bowl cut with some form of baldness.
Their Pants/Shorts:
Always some form of cargo/hammer pant look. When you're very low on the "I would totally fuck him/her" scale it's always good to have some kind of legged coverings with multiple pockets; why is it always the people whom look furthest away from being a soldier that wear cargo pants?
The way they breathe:
Deep with a slight rasp. This caused multiple issues when they were growing up:
- Never picked in gym class
- They had to wait for everyone to be gone to masturbate; nothing like the sound of moist regret and an asthma attack.
- They never remember any sexual experiences because a) they never had them or b) if they did have them they would pass out from the physical exertion.
The way they chew gum:
Every single one of these mother fuckers resemble a bulldog. The fat and pent up sexual aggression actually forces their bottom teeth to stick out further than their top teeth. This causes the gum chewing sound that is very moist, tongue slapping, spit bubbling, and in some cases causes them to make a snoring sound while they breathe.
There have been reports of these people actually eating their young when food resources run out. I heard from a guy, who knows a guy, who's brother actually works for a newspaper whom covered the story in Melbourne, Australia, that a large woman who's electricity went out actually ate her own breast and choked to death.
What can be done to protect yourself:
Well although they are slow, methodical stalkers, they are very persistent. It's always a good idea to replace all wooden doors as they can be chewed or leaned on to cause structural failure, and make sure that you lock up your food at night. I would stay away from all "food flavored" perfumes and lip glosses as they are prone to attack and eat anything at any time.
My luck usually has me placed next to them on an airport or subway. During one of my cross country flights I caught one of these behemoths chewing on my fingernail whilst I slept.
How to kill them effectively:
The best way to disable them is to take out one of their legs, or prevent them from having sugar which will inevitably wreak havoc on their diabetes and cause heart failure. Be careful, this method can be time consuming and they are a very persistent predator.
There have been reported incidences where citizens chopped off a head (as instructed in the government mandated document: How to disarm, and effectively kill fat people) but were bitten after the head was removed. IMPORTANT: a typical decapitated head will stay awake as long as 48 hours. Use precaution when rolling head out of your premises.
The most effective way to completely protect yourself is to give them a full ham, or 30-40 pound turkey (raw or cooked), this will force them to obstruct their usually fatal bent and crooked teeth (as they don't eat with accurate or manageable portions), then simply remove the head with your government provided hacksaw.
The correct way to dispose of the body:
Because lifting them is out of the question, and touching them skin to skin can result in infection and an overwhelming stench of cheddar cheese and virginity, most citizens have simply set their houses on fire and began a new life in higher elevations.
If you happen to kill one outside AND have an in-ground pool with a deep end:
Simply utilize any heavy duty cable, a semi, or an Army issued helicopter to budge the fat corpse into your pool. Due to their size you will only need two or three bags of concrete and lime to seal off your pool.
Good luck citizen. This is a rough road, this has become not an American problem, but a problem facing every living and breathing healthy person.
Anyone looking to collect additional rewards with the proper execution of fat people: Please be sure to check all Buffets, Bulk Candy Stations, and Bowling Alleys to make sure that all normal people are removed before you begin firing your weapons.
Good night, and Good Luck!
I can't fully remember what I was watching today, (and to be quite honest I can't really be held accountable for any actions, comments, thoughts, or musing lately - I'm actually writing this on the shitter - I'm losing my mind) but the smell of my town around late fall hit me today. 
